Between Coffee & Curfew

Apparently, even grief comes with a comment section.

I saw something on Facebook recently that genuinely made me question what is wrong with people.

A family had lost their 16-year-old child. Sixteen. An age when you’re supposed to be worrying about driver’s licenses, school, friendships, and what the future might hold. Not funeral arrangements.

They had created a GoFundMe asking for help with funeral expenses. And instead of offering condolences or simply scrolling past, some people decided it was the perfect opportunity to pass judgement.

Because apparently, losing your child isn’t devastating enough. Now you have to justify your financial situation to complete strangers too.

One person questioned why other family members weren’t helping. Another comment went as far as saying, “Stop having kids you can’t take care of, in life as well as death.”

I had to read that more than once.

Not because I didn’t understand it, but because I couldn’t believe someone could look at a family grieving their 16-year-old child and think those words were appropriate.

A child is dead. Parents are planning a funeral. And your concern is whether they should have been having children in the first place?

What is wrong with people?

Now, I realize my last blog post was about having thicker skin and accepting that not everyone is going to agree with us. I still believe that. Not every opinion deserves an argument, and not every comment needs a response.

But I also said there are times when speaking up is absolutely necessary.

This was one of those times.

Because there’s a difference between disagreeing with someone and deliberately adding to their pain. And when I see people publicly shaming parents who are trying to bury their child, I’m not going to pretend that’s just another difference of opinion.

Let’s talk about something that apparently needs to be said. Funerals are expensive. And death doesn’t send a courtesy notice six months in advance so you can start setting money aside, wait until you’ve paid your bills, or make sure your family has enough money to cover everything.

Especially when we’re talking about a 16-year-old.

Parents aren’t supposed to be financially preparing to bury their teenagers. They’re supposed to be helping them prepare for adulthood.

And sometimes, even when the entire family contributes what they can, it still isn’t enough.

But apparently, before asking for help, grieving parents are expected to provide a complete financial breakdown to satisfy strangers on Facebook.

Why isn’t Grandma paying? What about the siblings? Why didn’t they plan better?

Seriously?

These are grieving parents, not contestants on some reality show where the audience gets to vote on whether their tragedy deserves financial assitance.

And here’s something else that bothers me.

Asking for help isn’t the same as demanding it.

Nobody is forcing anyone to donate. Nobody is reaching into your wallet. If you don’t want to contribute, you don’t have to.

You can simply keep scrolling.

It’s free. Takes about half a second. Highly recommend it.

But instead, some people take time out of their day to leave comments that accomplish absolutely nothing except making an already unbearable situation worse.

And I can’t help but wonder what they think they’re achieving.

Do they believe their comments will magically pay for the funeral? That a grieving parent will read their criticism and suddenly discover thousands of dollars they forgot they had?

Or do they just enjoy feeling superior to someone who’s already hurting?

Because that is what those comments sound like to me.

And that comment about not having children you can’t afford to bury?

That one hit especially hard.

I have a 16-year-old son.

And I look at him and see a kid who’s just beginning to figure out who he is. A kid with plans, opinions, dreams, and an entire life still ahead of him.

Sixteen is supposed to be the beginning of so many things.

Not the end.

I cannot imagine having to walk into his bedroom knowing he would never come home again. Never hearing his voice call for me. Never watching him grow into the man he’s becoming.

I can’t imagine looking at his clothes, his belongings, all the little pieces of everyday life, and realizing those are now memories instead of things he’ll come home to.

And I certainly cannot imagine being in the middle of that kind of heartbreak, asking for help to bury my child, and having a stranger tell me I shouldn’t have had him because I couldn’t afford his funeral.

No parent should ever have to bury their child. And no parent should have to defend their worth as a mother or father while doing it.

I don’t care how strongly someone feels about financial responsibility. There is a time and place for those conversations.

Under a grieving family’s request for help is neither.

I understand that people are cautious about online fundraisers. Scams exist, and nobody should feel obligated to donate without being comfortable doing so.

But there’s a difference between being cautious and being cruel.

You can choose not to donate without publicly humiliating someone. You can have questions without making accusations. And you can disagree with how someone handles their finances without turning their worst day into an opportunity to lecture them.

Financial hardship isn’t proof that someone is a bad parent.

And having enough money to cover a funeral doesn’t mean someone loved their child more than a family who needs help.

Love isn’t measured by a bank balance.

What really gets me is that we have no idea what that family was going through when those comments appeared.

Maybe they had spent the night crying. Maybe they were struggling to explain the loss to younger siblings. Maybe they were sitting at a funeral home trying to make decisions no parent should ever have to make.

And somewhere in the middle of all that, they worked up the courage to ask for help.

Only to be met with judgement.

I wonder how many people see comments like those and decide they’d rather suffer silently than risk being publicly shamed.

I’m raising my boys to understand that they won’t always agree with everyone, and they don’t have to. But I want them to recognize when someone is hurting and understand that their opinion doesn’t always need to be spoken.

Especially when the only thing it adds to the situation is more pain.

Because sometimes kindness isn’t about donating money, sharing a fundraiser, or knowing the perfect thing to say.

Sometimes kindness is simply knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

And yes, I realize that’s a little blunt.

But so is telling grieving parents they shouldn’t have had children.

If you can help a family in need, wonderful. If you can offer a kind word, do that. And if you can’t do either, at least don’t make their suffering worse.

We have absolutely no idea when life might put us in a position where we’re the ones needing help, compassion, or a little grace from people around us.

I hope that if that day ever comes, we’re met with more humanity than what I witnessed in that comment section.

Because somewhere tonight, a family is facing a future without a child who should have had decades of life ahead of them.

There will be birthdays that never get celebrated. Milestones that will never happen. An empty place at the dinner table. A voice they’ll spend the rest of their lives wishing they could hear one more time.

And while that family is trying to figure out how to live with that kind of loss, strangers are arguing about who should pay for the funeral.

No grieving family should have to prove they’re worthy of compassion.

Compassion doesn’t cost a thing.

It’s a shame some people act like they can’t afford it.

Between Coffee & Curfew 🍵❤️